She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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