I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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