i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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