Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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