Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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