so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
