I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
