He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just found puke in my bra..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
