I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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