I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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