Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Houston, we have a blender
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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