He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
