Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
