White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
