So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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