I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
