Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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