Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
