Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Drunk is not a location!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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