Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
