You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
