i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
