My cat gives me a boner
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
