my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
