I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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