If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
