She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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