Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
