Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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