bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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