Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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