i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
