Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
