Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
