let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
