I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
