why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
