I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
