I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
