So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How's work?
Spinning.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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