if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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