even my farts smell like vagina
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
