I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
