I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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