I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
