I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
