even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
