The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
