not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
