Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
