i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
is wine microwaveable?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
