I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
